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Onboard Moya...Somewhere
Time had passed since they left Hyneria. Stark wasn’t sure how much. It was easy to lose track on the ship, even though Moya and Pilot were very good about keeping things to something resembling the rhythms of a standard solar day. Stark’s sleep remained irregular at best and that certainly didn’t help him with keeping track of the passage of times. A few weekens, maybe, had gone by since they’d left Rygel behind in his new-old empire. They received updates regularly and things seemed to be going well, surprising as that was to a group so used to things going spectacularly wrong at every opportunity. Jothee had returned to the Luxan army. There had been no news of Scorpius and no signs of the red-eyed man in black. Deke continued to grow, as Crichton said, like a weed. Noranti continued to try and push various concoctions on Stark who kept resisting both the powders she said would help him sleep better and the food she insisted he needed because he was growing too thin. Things were calm, for the moment.
The others had just finished a supply run on a commerce planet. Stark had stayed behind. He was sitting on the terrace, staring out at the stars, when Chiana found him. At some point he was going to realize the view in here reminded him of a trip in a much smaller ship with a full view of space but he hadn’t yet made the connection. Or maybe he just was actively avoiding acknowledging it.
“Sta-ark,” Chiana called out. “I’ve got a bottle of raslak with your name on it. More than one.”
“I’m not thirsty,” he said, not even turning to look.
“Don’t care. We’re getting you out of this mood you’re in somehow and if I have to pour the whole bottle down your throat I’ll do it.”
“That doesn’t help,” Stark protested. “I tried that. More than once. Summer tried. With sangria. Nothing helped.”
“You didn’t try getting drunk with me,” Chiana told him. “So that’s what we’re doing tonight. Drinking several bottles of good stuff I picked up and we can talk about how our lives are dren sometimes and we can talk about how frelling lonely we are.”
Stark sighed heavily as he stood and turned to face Chiana. “Are you all right?” It had been much longer for him since D’Argo died than it had been for Chiana. He knew that. And he remembered all too well how much it hurt to lose someone that way. His current hurt was different and newer and sharper but that didn’t mean he’d forgotten the other.
“‘Course not. It’s too quiet now that we aren’t having a crisis and watching you mope around makes me think too much, so now it’s time to stop thinking and start drinking. You’re my drinking buddy tonight.”
“I’m not very good company,” Stark said quietly. “That’s why I-”
“I’m not letting you sit here lonely by yourself when you could be sitting being lonely with me,” Chiana said. “Jothee’s gone, John and Aeryn are happy with their narl, Noranti’s fahrbot. You’re my best option.”
“I don’t think…”
“No thinking,” Chiana told him firmly. “Come on.”
Protesting got Stark nowhere and eventually he accepted his fate. They ended up in Chiana’s quarters. She had brought back rather a lot of raslak and true to her word it was higher quality than what was usually found onboard. Chiana had glared and made vague threats until Stark started drinking but once he started he found it was easy to keep going.
“I’m angry,” he said suddenly, looking up at her. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, 2 empty bottles on the floor beside him. “When I let myself be. Not often. Mostly hurt. It still hurts.”
“She broke your heart, you idiot,” Chiana told him, leaning down from where she was perched on her bed and passing over another bottle. “Of course it still hurts. I’m angry too. At D’Argo for dying. At your girl for breaking you. At you for being broken. At Jothee for leaving even though he should have and we weren’t doing each other any favors. Sometimes at John and Aeryn for being happy still. At Rygel for getting what he wanted.”
“It’s easier being angry,” Stark answered. “If I’m being angry it doesn’t hurt so much.”
“Until you remember it hurts,” Chiana sighed, taking another swig of the raslak. “She really frelled you up good, didn’t she?”
“I was happy,” Stark said, sounding anything but. “For the second time in my life I was happy. I...I didn't even think I could be that happy again. And I think... that was the longest I’ve ever been happy. Half a year, half a cycle, from when it started. I let myself love her and I let myself think I could keep being happy. I was happy and then that just stopped without any warning and I should have known better. I shouldn’t have trusted it. I’m not meant to be happy. I trusted her when she said she loved me and I shouldn’t have. I don’t even know if it was real, now.”
“I saw the way she looked at you,” Chiana said. “And the way you looked at her. The way she wiped the mud off your face when her buddy was done beating on you. Looked real enough from where I was standing.”
“Then why did Faye go like that? Why hasn’t she let me know she’s okay? Why did she act like she didn’t care how much it hurt me? She always seemed to care before that. Even…even when she ran. Once I found her she was sorry. This time…everything was different. She seemed different.” He closed his eye and leaned his head back before adding, very softly, “why didn’t it hurt her?”
“Frell if I know, Stark. If I ever see her again I’ll kick her eema for you. People do stupid dren. I know I do. You do too. You ended up back here helping Rygel plan a coup when you could have been safe on that island of yours with friends who don’t get you locked up every time you come back.”
“Staying there hurt too much,” Stark told her. “I didn’t know where else to go. And…I did miss you all. It had been a long time, for me, since I saw anyone but you.”
“Yeah, we missed you too,” Chiana admitted, gesturing with the bottle in her hand. “Is it helping at all, being here? Now that we’re not in any dungeons or worrying somebody’s gonna blow us all up?”
“A little. Not everything is a painful reminder, here. Not of her, anyway. The cell…the cell was a different sort of reminder.”
“‘M trying to repeat that one myself,” Chiana said, nodding very slowly. “We’ve all had enough of that. We’ve all had enough of everything. We all need…I dunno. A vacation?”
“This has not counted as a vacation,” Stark said.
“Stark!”
“What?” he asked, looking alarmed.
“You smiled when you said that. Frelling finally.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“But you still did. Ha. Weird thing to smile about.”
Stark took a very long drink from his bottle. “I won’t do it again,” he said, but there was a tiny crooked smile already forming as he said it.
“Liar,” Chiana said fondly. “We should celebrate! More raslak!” She raised her own bottle and chugged what was left.
Stark raised his own bottle in a salute and took another long swig. “More raslak,” he agreed.
“You know,” Chiana said thoughtfully. “I’ve got an idea.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.” There was a grin slowly spreading across her face. "Yeah, I do."
[NFB because in space no squirrels can hear you...drink? At least you can drink in space. Could be open for calls/texts to the saddest alien but he might be a little distracted. Or drunk. Or both.]
The others had just finished a supply run on a commerce planet. Stark had stayed behind. He was sitting on the terrace, staring out at the stars, when Chiana found him. At some point he was going to realize the view in here reminded him of a trip in a much smaller ship with a full view of space but he hadn’t yet made the connection. Or maybe he just was actively avoiding acknowledging it.
“Sta-ark,” Chiana called out. “I’ve got a bottle of raslak with your name on it. More than one.”
“I’m not thirsty,” he said, not even turning to look.
“Don’t care. We’re getting you out of this mood you’re in somehow and if I have to pour the whole bottle down your throat I’ll do it.”
“That doesn’t help,” Stark protested. “I tried that. More than once. Summer tried. With sangria. Nothing helped.”
“You didn’t try getting drunk with me,” Chiana told him. “So that’s what we’re doing tonight. Drinking several bottles of good stuff I picked up and we can talk about how our lives are dren sometimes and we can talk about how frelling lonely we are.”
Stark sighed heavily as he stood and turned to face Chiana. “Are you all right?” It had been much longer for him since D’Argo died than it had been for Chiana. He knew that. And he remembered all too well how much it hurt to lose someone that way. His current hurt was different and newer and sharper but that didn’t mean he’d forgotten the other.
“‘Course not. It’s too quiet now that we aren’t having a crisis and watching you mope around makes me think too much, so now it’s time to stop thinking and start drinking. You’re my drinking buddy tonight.”
“I’m not very good company,” Stark said quietly. “That’s why I-”
“I’m not letting you sit here lonely by yourself when you could be sitting being lonely with me,” Chiana said. “Jothee’s gone, John and Aeryn are happy with their narl, Noranti’s fahrbot. You’re my best option.”
“I don’t think…”
“No thinking,” Chiana told him firmly. “Come on.”
Protesting got Stark nowhere and eventually he accepted his fate. They ended up in Chiana’s quarters. She had brought back rather a lot of raslak and true to her word it was higher quality than what was usually found onboard. Chiana had glared and made vague threats until Stark started drinking but once he started he found it was easy to keep going.
“I’m angry,” he said suddenly, looking up at her. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, 2 empty bottles on the floor beside him. “When I let myself be. Not often. Mostly hurt. It still hurts.”
“She broke your heart, you idiot,” Chiana told him, leaning down from where she was perched on her bed and passing over another bottle. “Of course it still hurts. I’m angry too. At D’Argo for dying. At your girl for breaking you. At you for being broken. At Jothee for leaving even though he should have and we weren’t doing each other any favors. Sometimes at John and Aeryn for being happy still. At Rygel for getting what he wanted.”
“It’s easier being angry,” Stark answered. “If I’m being angry it doesn’t hurt so much.”
“Until you remember it hurts,” Chiana sighed, taking another swig of the raslak. “She really frelled you up good, didn’t she?”
“I was happy,” Stark said, sounding anything but. “For the second time in my life I was happy. I...I didn't even think I could be that happy again. And I think... that was the longest I’ve ever been happy. Half a year, half a cycle, from when it started. I let myself love her and I let myself think I could keep being happy. I was happy and then that just stopped without any warning and I should have known better. I shouldn’t have trusted it. I’m not meant to be happy. I trusted her when she said she loved me and I shouldn’t have. I don’t even know if it was real, now.”
“I saw the way she looked at you,” Chiana said. “And the way you looked at her. The way she wiped the mud off your face when her buddy was done beating on you. Looked real enough from where I was standing.”
“Then why did Faye go like that? Why hasn’t she let me know she’s okay? Why did she act like she didn’t care how much it hurt me? She always seemed to care before that. Even…even when she ran. Once I found her she was sorry. This time…everything was different. She seemed different.” He closed his eye and leaned his head back before adding, very softly, “why didn’t it hurt her?”
“Frell if I know, Stark. If I ever see her again I’ll kick her eema for you. People do stupid dren. I know I do. You do too. You ended up back here helping Rygel plan a coup when you could have been safe on that island of yours with friends who don’t get you locked up every time you come back.”
“Staying there hurt too much,” Stark told her. “I didn’t know where else to go. And…I did miss you all. It had been a long time, for me, since I saw anyone but you.”
“Yeah, we missed you too,” Chiana admitted, gesturing with the bottle in her hand. “Is it helping at all, being here? Now that we’re not in any dungeons or worrying somebody’s gonna blow us all up?”
“A little. Not everything is a painful reminder, here. Not of her, anyway. The cell…the cell was a different sort of reminder.”
“‘M trying to repeat that one myself,” Chiana said, nodding very slowly. “We’ve all had enough of that. We’ve all had enough of everything. We all need…I dunno. A vacation?”
“This has not counted as a vacation,” Stark said.
“Stark!”
“What?” he asked, looking alarmed.
“You smiled when you said that. Frelling finally.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“But you still did. Ha. Weird thing to smile about.”
Stark took a very long drink from his bottle. “I won’t do it again,” he said, but there was a tiny crooked smile already forming as he said it.
“Liar,” Chiana said fondly. “We should celebrate! More raslak!” She raised her own bottle and chugged what was left.
Stark raised his own bottle in a salute and took another long swig. “More raslak,” he agreed.
“You know,” Chiana said thoughtfully. “I’ve got an idea.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.” There was a grin slowly spreading across her face. "Yeah, I do."
[NFB because in space no squirrels can hear you...drink? At least you can drink in space. Could be open for calls/texts to the saddest alien but he might be a little distracted. Or drunk. Or both.]